Mantra Schmantra

My neighbor and I started this year off right! Declaring our goals to manifest great things with the power of intention and positive energy.  We’ve even drafted a daily mantra – “this year, I am open to welcoming the perfect available man for me into my life”.  We goad each other whenever we’re veering wayward, off the path of positivity, and we remind each other with smiley face icons and exclamation points to keep our eye on the prize and manifest only good things into our lives.  I’ve been jazzed up and on a roll – feeling sky high and affirming every positive thing (or potentially positive thing) that happens each day with gratitude and delight, confident that each of these little upbeat happenstances are symbols of my awesome powers to manifest.  I’m walking the walk and talking the talk…

Or at least I thought I was.

Today, waiting for my bag to at the tedious conveyer belts in baggage claim at JFK, a very handsome man stood beside me and made eye contact.  He had crystal blue eyes, like marbles, hidden beneath dark framed stylish glasses.  Well coiffed hair, dark, with a hint of gray at the side burns. Slender, tall, casual chic in style.  Overall, a handsome man who surprised me and made me smile.  Well, all of my efforts at positive energy did manifest one thing – for maybe the first time EVER, my bag was the very first one to appear.  I almost applauded right there on the spot.  This little bubble of jubilation was not lost on my handsome observer.  I shrugged demurely and said “now that’s a first!  I feel so lucky!”  To which this apparition of beauty replied “You should play the lotto”, his blue eyes lingering upon me and making me feel all girlie and ebullient inside.  “Maybe I will” was my rather clever retort as I awkwardly gathered my bag and carry-on and prepared to leave.  Turning in his direction, I made eye contact once again – you know the kind that registers, hovers, makes it feel wrong to break away.  I stood there a wee bit dumbfounded and couldn’t think of anything to say but “have a good day”.  He looked ever so slightly surprised and returned my parting salutation with a gentle “you, too”.  I walked away feeling something had gone terribly wrong.  A little loss, a tiny grief, made each step gangly and uncertain as I headed toward the ground transportation exit. I even hovered a moment, hoping he’d end up in the taxi line directly behind me. When I finally saw him again, he was on his cell and looking around for his ride.  We had the briefest stint of eye contact once again and then both of us continued on with the rest of our lives.

What happened to being “open to welcoming the perfect available man for me into my life”???  I couldn’t find one single flirtatious word, one little hint of sex appeal to invite this handsome stranger to open up to me?  Is all of my mantra talk just BS? And do I let it slide in the heat of battle when an opportunity finally does arise?  How many times do my words go unspoken?  Do my desires crouch and hide, waiting for some other perfect time to make a well rehearsed and scripted entrance, stage right?  Is there a playwright alive who could write me some lines for just these types of moments?  How can I claim to be open and welcoming when all I do is clam up and rely on courteous pleasantries whenever a potential beau catches my eye?

As I rode all the way back to my Manhattan home, I felt the positive energy of the last few weeks begin to fade. The reality check of another potential loss hung heavy in the air, and I found myself thinking of my very first crush. High School.  Oh God, was I smitten!  And no, I could not talk to him either.  A tacky little 8 year old boy blew my cover, telling him all about my fatal crush. But sometimes I wonder… sometime I wish… Had I told him myself, who knows?  Maybe I wouldn’t be needing all these mantras today.

Sounds in the Rock

Stillness

 escapes me

 when your trumpet rings,

 heralds your entrance

 across a barren stage,

 void of props, scenes

 from the theatrical games

 we used to play.

Motion

 gathers, curls, creeps

 a rising tide of whirring thoughts,

 hula hoops

 that ring ‘round

 the rosy patches of my mind

 bright spots amid the brainy gray

 pink perfect memories

 that mottle the cortex

 and muddy the music

 of my speech,

 interrupting

 disengaging

 unforgiving the fits and starts

 reclaiming the spotlight

 in this thwarted present

 of Here and Now;

I stammer

 and hang glide

 across the valley

 of the longest moment ever

 in the hope of landing safely

 near you.

You are coming at me. 

Lightning strikes my kite

 and keeps electric jolts

 from pouring like rain

 through my very toes

 that reach for you.

Rays of love light

 dart

 from the open sunrise of my mouth

 shining the cresting wave

 of my frozen tongue

 high

 vaulting from the red ringed roof top

 of my teeth

 an echo

 failing to launch

 to land,

 to speak.

…

(and then later, the poem ends with…)

The words retract

  before they even begin,

  bountiful in volume

  this unheard symphony

  your approaching presence sings;

  in the second of a lifetime

  You pass by

  ungreeted

  once again

  by Me.

All the noise within Me

  turns

  to watch you wander away

  silently.

©2012 DOS

The excerpts of all of the poems presented in this blog are copyright protected, as each and every poem has been copyrighted.   For a complete copy of any poem, feel free to email your request to: duvallosteennyc@gmail.com.